Now, let me just get this out of the way. Iâm a WWII tank buff. I enjoy realism. As such, Girls & Panzer is just about the worst fit ever for me. Donât get me wrong; a diverse cast of cute anime girls driving accurately depicted historical tanks sounds absolutely awesome on paper, and it shouldnât be overly difficult to implement these elements in a wide range of unique ways. Unique, however, is a keyword this franchise runs with at the expense of all else. Coming in as the (fourth?) installment of the franchiseâs long running string of movies, Saishuushou Part 4 tackles the semifinalmatch between the Finnish inspired Jatkosota High School and our titular Ooarai Girls Academy, while offering a glimpse of the other semifinal match between St. Glorianaâs Girls Academy and Kuromorimine. This picks up immediately after the end of the Part 3 movie, so much so that the opening several minutes are rather baffling as thereâs nothing to orient the viewer as to what is happening (especially considering there was a two and a half year lull between the two movieâs releases). I suppose they made the assumption that this was only a minor detail not worth mentioning, and frankly I canât fault them for it. Itâs not as if there is a story being told here in the first place. We have a match, they do their thing, and then they roll credits. All that matters is the quality of the visuals, and the quality of the action. This single-minded intensity I cannot fault them for, but it inadvertently puts 100% of the focus on what is in my opinion the weakest link of the franchise. How Sensha-do is actually depicted.
And yes yes, I know. This series is meant to be absurd mindless entertainment and it has no qualms in putting that out there blatantly. However, at least in the case of the 2015 Girls & Panzer Movie as well as the initial two installments of this movie series, tactics seemed to be given actual thought and proper implementation. There was strategy, something of substance to feel engaged with in the absence of an overarching story. Part 3 began straining this somewhat, and with this part, well, weâve flown off the rails. Being a home match for Jatkosota this is set on a snowy battlefield in the Arctic Circle, and as such many parallels could have been made with tactics used in the Winter War of 1939. But no, this is not the case here. Why in the world are they depicted as the dominating school in this matchup? They were considered underdogs in their upset of the American school, Saunders, but just being in a snowy environment makes them immediately better here? And letâs not question how they managed to field an entire fleet of tanks despite being the smallest school; they explained the KV-1B, but not the remainder.
This supposed winter dominance is of course hardly made apparent, for as far as I could tell only Jouko exhibited any form of tactic that could be considered suitable for this setting. I can only assume she is an analog for Simo HĂ€yhĂ€, Finlandâs most prolific sniper, but Jouko is the lone shred of sanity within this. Perhaps this match was all set up nicely at the end of Part 3 (that recap would be nice now, wouldnât it?), but I hardly think it would have mattered. Like many of these matches, it all devolves into one team being chased by the other team, and then after a string of absurdities somebody fumbles their way to victory. Removing Miho right at the start is actually really interesting, as it allows for us to see how the other girls handle unconventional situations. But this here is our problem. Our âunconventionalâ tactics are quite simply the most nonsensical clump of nonsense Iâve had the displeasure of viewing this year.
I wonât attempt to go play by play here as that would spoil the awe inspiring snowball effect of madness this contains, so I will simply mention two scenes. Our âhotpotâ tactic, and our âskiingâ extravaganza at the end. First, our hotpot. Isnât it awfully convenient to have a buried tunnel right where the team ends up (after a chase, of course), or that this tunnel somehow is large enough for all of the tanks to fit through? But, Iâm getting ahead of myself. Itâs that excavation scene to get down into said tunnel that was the first inkling of where this movie was trying to go on the scale of insanity. They couldnât just, you know, be normal and churn up the snow with their tracks? No no, letâs have the tanks *mount one-another*, sexual innuendos entirely intended, and do some really questionable physics defying movements to make the vehicles dig like backhoes while our Tiger (P) abuses its Porche name once again to start doing doughnuts to kick up snow and create a defensive firing position. YeahâŠok. Sure. And then of course we must chuck our tanks one by one down the near vertical chute, once again displaying the remarkable indestructible chassis these tanks possess, before playing chu chu train down the tunnel with more afterburner Tiger (P) nonsense. And with this, weâve barely made it a third of the way through the movie.
You know what, I wonât pick apart the rest. Skiing tanks is exactly how it sounds. Through this entire thing I am constantly affronted by the fact that these girls *never* get injured. Like, this doesnât have to depict horrifying gore caused from battle, even if it would have been accurate, but at least show that theyâre banged up a bit? Frankly, nearly the entire cast should be dead by the end of the match considering the amount of rollovers, burials under avalanches and general high force impacts while barreling around at excessive speeds they go through. Itâs not like they know the concept of seatbelts or restraints; many of them hang out of their cockpits and somehow donât get launched out of the tank during sharp maneuvers. Like sure, itâs probably accurate to show old tanks having minimal safety features in them, but this is modern day and regarded as a high school sport teenagers participate in; itâs a little difficult to think that there are no measures here. These girls need to be protected from themselves, if anything. The tanks also donât reflect damage well either; tracks can and should come off from these stunts, and I sure donât remember these tanks having the amount of armor theyâre shown to have here. But this series has never gone further than an accurate visual model of each tank when replicating them, so this aspect hardly anything new.
In any case, let's come up for air and talk visuals and audio design. This was clearly where Actas spent the majority of their production effort, and if we ignore the physics problems it legitimately looks very polished. What little hand drawn animation present is well-animated and blended seamlessly with the CGI, which is in itself modeled quite well. At the absolute minimum it makes for several nice cinematic sequences, logic aside. As for sound it is decently represented with directional audio and detail on ricochets, engines and guns. I cannot say whether the gun sounds are correct for their respective armaments, but I have the feeling I shouldnât fact check it too deeply. They work well enough where theyâre implemented.
As a whole, I have a difficult time recommending this to anyone but the most dedicated Girls & Panzer fans, or perhaps someone with an hour to burn looking for some dumb fun. If youâre like me and are looking for some gripping tactical matches with historical tanks, youâre better off sticking with a few of the earlier entries in the franchise or looking elsewhere all together. Maybe one of these days weâll get an unexpected Ribbon no Musha adaptation, but until then we must slog through these. Who knows what lies in store for us in Part 5.
